I am often appalled by the quality of the leads written in most PR-derived press releases. The following leads were taken (and rewritten to protect the incompetent) from a recent perusal of PRNewswire.

1: The Commission for Learning Achievement Measurement (the Commission) made important advancements in 2011, introducing a new internet-based learning tool and an achievement network, firming up valuable partnerships and expanding its advocacy efforts.

Translation: We launched a website, another website (or maybe the same website), we did the same old shit with the same old partners, and wasted a ton of money on the CEO’s dumb idea that didn’t turn out to generate as many leads as we thought it would.

Suggested improvements: There are too many things going on in this release. Pick one, be clear about it, why it’s important, and then explain it to your audience without being a dick. If this is a year-end wrap up release, say so, and pick three concrete things your firm accomplished this year and explain them.

2: During this hectic time of year, many people are discovering themselves with yet another complication to deal with: a child struggling to learn in school. Teachers have been slow to report, and suddenly many parents realize that a student certainly needs some additional help with their learning projects and performance. And since our schools are doing the best with what they have, its up to the ready and willing parent to consider supplemental tutoring services such as Get Learn? to provide hope and help students and their families get back on track and raise up their grades while also constructing the educational prowess that paves the track for jogging toward a more successful tomorrow.

Translation: This time of year … blah blah bleak blah blah blah struggle, blah blah blah boring boring boring oops I stopped reading.

Suggested improvement: Delete the scene setting. The target audience already understands the troubles they’ve seen, the rest of us don’t care. Also, the irregular punctuation in your product’s name is a strike against your probable publication. “Get Learn” is just as effective as “Get Learn?” and doesn’t mess with reader’s heads or cause for strange sentence endings.

3. Big Holding Company, Inc., the nation’s leading provider of business support support services to the crystal mining industry in the United States, today announced the grand opening of its latest “Sing The Glorious Crystal” office. The office is located in Pueblo, CO and is the 7th in the state of Colorado.

Translation: The holding company is more important to the writer than the thing actually being announced.

Suggested improvement: If what matters is getting new patients to the new crystal singing office, I would highly encourage you to publish the new office’s information in front of the corporate identity / holding company’s brand’s mission statement pablum.

4. What can you get for just one dollar? Mickey’s Hotdog Palace will be celebrating its grand opening and will be serving one dollar Chicago-style hotdogs today, December 6th.

Translation: Nobody cares about our delicious hotdogs, what they care about is a bargain!

Suggested improvement: This is so close to being a good lead. Delete the nonsense about “What can you get for just one dollar?” because there are tons of things you can get for just one dollar. They have whole stores now that are centered on the concept. The invocation of the $1 bargain only leads me to think about cheap crap that nobody wants.

Where can you buy lunch for just $1? Where can I buy a delicious Chicago-style hot dog for just one dollar? I have no idea, but now I’m interested. What else can I get for just one dollar? A bunch of cheap crap from a store that smells of Chinese packing material and broken dreams, that’s what.

You should hire Gabe Wollenburg to fix your pathetic, miserable public relations campaign. He’s good at it and is surprisingly affordable.