Gaia and I watched The Last Unicorn on Saturday. While watching it, I chirped along on Facebook. (Twitter wasn’t working, or something. You know how it goes.)

Presented here, with director’s commentary are the 18 status updates that followed.

1. “The Last Unicorn” in three… Two…. One… … We have America. We have Mia Farrow. “I’m alive! I’m aaaaaaliiiiiaaaaaive!”
   For my money, this film doesn’t really start until the song “I”m alive” kicks in. This is because the copy I grew up watching was taped off Showtime and didn’t start until after the butterfly song.

2. “It’s my fault for even asking. All butterflies know are songs and poetry and anything else they hear.”
   This is quoted directly because it is a fact.

3. You must never run from anything immortal. It attracts their attention.
   This is quoted directly because it is also a fact.

4. Oh, thats only Molly Grue’s way. Deep down inside she’s got a great heart.
   I never understood what this “Malliegroo” thing was they characters kept talking about. In fact, it wasn’t until many, many years later I figured out that it was the woman’s name.

5. Robin Hood is a myth. Magic is magic, but the truth is us. We’ll both be gentlemen of leisure in a months time!
   This is one of those weird meta-moments that happen in film. I’m watching this film as a child, and I recognize that that Captain Cully is a Robin Hood rip off, but then he and his band starts wanting to hear Robin Hood stories. And my little mind was blown. I was 12. It happened a lot.

6. I can’t tell you how disturbing this scene is to watch with your daughter.
   I am amazed at how much of this scene is included in the official trailer.

7. “It would be the last unicorn in the world if it appeared to Molly Grue.” Here I am on man’s road.
   I don’t get Molly Grue. She’s humble, hardworking and all around likable, and yet she floats these self-effacing turds by Schmedrick the time. I mean, seriously, Molly Grue… try enjoying life for a while. You might like it.

8. “What can I do? Do you think the Red Bull likes card tricks?” “You have all the power you need, if you dare look for it!”
   A snipping of a conversation between Schmendrick and Molly Grue that reminds me that I need to start teaching myself some card tricks.

9. “What have you done to me? I am a unicorn. I feel this body dying all around me.”
   Oh, for God’s sake, Unicorn. Get over yourself.

10. Once, I can’t remember, I was long ago someone strange. I was innocent and wise and full of pain. Now that I’m a woman everything is strange.
    These lyrics are taken from Mia Farrow’s one-and-only singing number from the film. With lyrics like this could the singing be any worse? It turns out yes. and it gets worse.

11. Wait. Has there always been a talking pirate cat in this movie?
    I am ashamed that I had forgotten this. What a bunch of missed Halloween costume opportunities that is.

12. Prince Lear abides. “I’ve the time to write about the way you act and look, but I haven’t got a paragraph. Anyway I love you.”
    I was dying to make this Big Labowski joke, and I wasn’t going to let Jeff Bridges’ horrific falsetto performance take it away from me.

13. Holy crap! That talking skull just blushed. How the hell did he do that?
    Turns out Rene Auberjonois also voiced Chef Louie in the Little Mermaid . WORLDS ARE COLLIDING, JERRY!

14. “A quest may not simply be abandoned. The happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.” “There are no happy endings, because nothing ends.”
    Suddenly, the story gets all weird. It’s like they walked through a clock and everybody got all preachy.

15. “What is the use of wizardry if it cannot even save a unicorn?” What is the use of Molly Grue?
    I am not sure why Molly Grue grates on me so. I should read the book and see if she’s any more likable there.

16. “That is what heroes are for.” Prince Lear abides.
    Yeah, I totally should have saved that Big Labowski joke for this moment.

17. “Of all unicorns she is the only one that knows what regret is.” Psychopaths.
    Jenifer and I have a standing conversation that centers on this idea. If Psychopaths are people who don’t have remorse, and all unicorns (except one) don’t know what regret is, then are all unicorns psychopaths?

18. “I’m alive! I’m alllllliiiiiiaaaaaaaiiiiiiive.”. The end. This has been “The Last Unicorn” in 17 statuses. *throws mike down and walks out.